10 Punishments for People Who Don't Read Twilight
by FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut
Summary: Are you sick of people who don’t read the "Twilight" series and still have the guts to tell everyone that it’s a terrible, mushy and unreadable book- BECAUSE ITS NOT! This Fanfiction explores 10 punishments for this and other Twilight related crimes!
1. Summary

**Honestly, I am sick of people, who don't read the Twilight series and still have the guts to tell everyone that it's a terrible, mushy and totally unreadable book that should never be put on shelves- BECAUSE ITS NOT! And even if you think it is… SUCK IT UP! Its not right to trash other peoples likes and dislikes.**

**So, in a stroke of genius, ****I have thought up 10 punishments for people who do this and/or other "Twilight hating" related crimes!**

**However, this Fanfiction is not to slag off people who do not like Twilight. To those who have read Twilight and didn't like it, I applaud you for giving it a go and I don't mind if you didn't like it. I also applaud the reading of other books, because even though I do _love _Twilight, there are other really great books in the world! This fanfiction is more for people who say bad things about it, or tell people that its terrible without even reading it themselves. **

**And believe me when I say, those people are in for a taste of their own medicine!**

Read on to find out...


	2. Dear Readers

**

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****To my dear readers, **

**I have recently been going back through my stories and reading them all over again, as it has been a while and I can hardly remember what I'd put in the story. While reading **_**this**_** story however, I was APPALED by some of the stuff that I'd written. **

**So, I'm going to fix all the chapters up. Change them so they sound better, add in a few things that were missing- and just generally make them funnier!**

**I'll post them in two blocks, chapters 1-5 and then 6-The Epilogue. ****I hope you like them!**

**Lots of love.**

**Mikii/ FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut**

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	3. From Mrs Spupenslicker to Jimmy Choo's

**Chapter 1: Capitolo Uno**

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**Honestly, I am sick of people, who don't read the Twilight series and still have the guts to tell everyone that it's a terrible, mushy and totally unreadable book that should never be put on shelves- BECAUSE ITS NOT! And even if you think it is… SUCK IT UP!**

**So, in a stroke of genius - I have thought up 10 punishments for people who do this and/or other "Twilight hating" related crimes.**

**Without further ado…**

**10 punishments for people who don't read Twilight**

PUNISHMENT 1: Provoke the Volturi and blame said person.

"Hey Jimmy" I say smiling good naturedly to the idiotic sci-fi geek- who also happens to be my mortal Twihater enemy, Jimmy.

Looking as stupid as ever with his shirt tucked into his pants and his hair looking as if it hadn't been washed in months he looks at me. "Why are you so chipper today?" He replies sullenly.

"Oh," I say, my grin becoming bigger "I just have a friend who I'd like you to meet! Aro, meet Jimmy"

Aro of the Volturi stalks out of the shadows and lets out and almighty scream "You stole Mrs Spupenslicker!"

"Who?" Laughs Jimmy, looking smug and amused. He doesn't have any inkling as to what Aro can do.

"My Teddy! You will DIE!"

Jimmy finally gets the picture, this guy is insane, and he obviously thinks that Jimmy has stolen his teddy. Aro smiles coldly and chases Jimmy around the courtyard, only stopping when he chews Jimmy's face off, gives up when he realises how disgusting it tastes, and decides he wants to lie down and ponder the meaning of life instead.

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**Chapter 2: Capitolo Due**

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Disclaimer: I really would like to say I own twilight, but then the men in white suits would come and take me away… SOB.

**10 punishments for people who don't read Twilight**

**PUNISHMENT TWO: **Chain them in an empty white room and force them to watch the entire male cast of the "Twilight movie" do squats and other exercise related activities completely topless. _(A/N you may want to watch this punishment be carried out… wink wink… ;)_ Also for boys, you may want to substitute the male cast for the female cast.

You watch through a patch of one way glass into a room where a little girl named Jill is being forced to watch something hideous-

You have called in a few favours and the entire half naked male cast of Twilight to do their daily exercise routine with Jill chained to the wall.

'No!' she screams, 'my eyes, they BURN!'.

You walk into the room and ask her if she still hates Twilight.

"No! Never again will I scorn the arguments about hotness of Edward vs. Jacob or say a mean word about Twilight!" Screams Jill

You walk away- Happy to have been of service.

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**Chapter 3: Capitolo Tre**

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**_Disclaimer: _**I really would like to say I own twilight, but then the men in white suits would come and take me away… SOB.

**Thanks to all the people who said they wanted me to keep writing. :) Also thanks to Laalaa1123 (Angelea)** **for her support of my story and the idea for the name!**

**10 punishments for people who don't read Twilight**

**PUNISHMENT THREE: **Create annoying songs or saying and play them out over a loudspeaker whenever the "Twilight hater" comes near.

"Oh my, oh no, oh dear!" Says Tanner, covering his ears with his hands. "What in the world is that?"

Overhead he can hear the almightily wail of an ancient loudspeaker roaring to life.

You -of course- are using the loud speaker, waiting to humiliate and torture him. "This song goes out to the one, but not the only- TWILIGHT HATER, TANNER!" You say, turning the volume up loud enough for the whole school to hear.

**I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts –bom bom bom**

**Here they are all standing in a row- Bom bom bom**

**Big ones, small ones**

**Some as big as Rosalie Bum /Edwards Ego /Alice's Shoe Collection**

You and other Twihards scream out of the loud speaker, telling everyone about…

"**Twilight!**

**Twilight!**

**Twilight!**

**Twilight!**

**Twilight!**

**Twilight!"**

"Enough, Enough!" Wails Tanner. "I submit, have mercy on me, for Twilight is awesome!!"

You are content with this and turn off the loud speaker… For now!

**For this punishment, if you don't have access to a loudspeaker I would just sing the songs whenever the person who hates Twilight walks past, or constantly talk about Twilight whenever they're around. It works for me!**

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**Chapter 4: Capitolo Quatro**

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Disclaimer: If twilight were mine, piranhas would be vegetarian and houses would be made of purple bunny rabbit belly button fluff.

PUNISHMENT FOUR: Get Emmet Cullen to go to your enemy's house and drain the blood of all their favourite pets – please note that this does not include brothers!

-You hear the soft rattling of a pane of class as it's shaken by the Twihater Tayla's snoring, and it makes you laugh.

Go "sick 'em Emmett!" you say to the hulking figure next to you, Emmett Mc Carty Cullen- The adorable vegan vamp- who, for tonight has the code name of Mr. Muscles.

'Aye aye boss!' He replies and heads off to the buffet cart for dinner… Unfortunately for your enemy Tayla, that buffet cart mainly consists of her pets.

3 budgies, two cats, a rabbit, a dog, and three hamsters later, Emmett is reasonably full and good to go.

"That was tasty but…" says Emmett.

"No Emmet! Not her brother!" you say, seeing where this is heading and trying to reason with the thirsty vamp.

"Fine," he huffs "next time then…"

You thank the lord that he didn't do anything stupid and creep out the back door. After all, you can't hang around in case someone sees you.

You know now she will have to believe you when you say vampires DO exist… and if vampires do exist, then everything else you say must be true too…

She'll have to realize Twilight ROCKS!

Grinning madly you and Emmett stalk off into the darkness, your work complete!

Thank you, Thank you!

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**Chapter 5: Capitolo Cinque**

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**So please welcome to 10 Punishments- Ms. Mary Alice Brandon/Cullen/Whitlock!**

PUNISHMENT FIVE: Get Alice to go over to a Twihaters house and subject her to a shopping spree and/ or makeover!

WHACK!

Rosie the twihater sits bolt upright in bed. Staring at the window, her breathing laboured. Her window lays shattered into a thousand pieces at her feet, a bright pink shoe in the midst of all the broken glass.

The words that you had told her that afternoon when she started to rant about how horrible Twilight is come back into her mind.

"You'll be sorry, Very sorry!!" She remembers you saying.

Rosie gulps silently.

"OMC!" Just look at that hair I mean when was the last time you styled it? Cut it? WASHED IT? Um, how about never, because I mean I have seen DOGS with better hair then that! God, its worse than JACOBS! I mean puh-lease! Look at those pyjamas so nineteen fifties and I mean I would know I was _there_!" Says Alice Cullen all in one breath.

Rosie stands gob smacked. Who the hell is this tiny chick? And what is she doing in her bedroom? Rosie is actually **_so_** gob smacked she just stands there and stares as Alice rants on about bad fashion sense.

"Mikii **(that's me)** was right to call me in for this job! Your worse then Bella! My God you're even worse than Mikii! And let me tell you, she has some serious issues with wearing dresses! Let's go Barbie! You're my new makeover challenge!" Pronounces Alice.

Rosie finally finds her voice.

"Wha-? You can't be serious?" she stutters. "I'm not going anywhere! Its 2 am! And bsides, I don't even know who you are!"

"You. are. coming. NOW!"

"Make me!" Rosie snarls back, making the biggest mistake of her life.

Alice grins, so evilly that Rosie becomes scared. In fact, Alice grins so evilly that anyone would be scared. She smiles the kind of smile that sends mountain lions running in the opposite direction.

Out side on the lawn, in a spot where you can hear and see everything that is happening, you are laughing so hard that you're gasping for air. This is going to be funny.

"N-n-n-n-ooooooooooooooooo!" Screams Rosie

"Not the four inch Jimmy Choo's! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! Wh-wh-who are you!?"

"_Your._

_Worst. _

_Nightmare!" _

Says Alice cackling madly.

You turn and walk away, after all as Alice gets bored easily, you wouldn't want her to turn on you and start giving **_you _**a makeover. And plus, She's scary when she gets like this!

You can't wait to see what Rosie will look like tomorrow.

**Well, that's the first half done; I hope it's a little better than before! I'm not expecting many reviews, but if you want to review- I'd be happy to hear from you!**

**The answer to this joke will be in the next chapter! **

_A blonde girl and an old business man are both traveling on a plane. The businessman, confident that he is smarter then the blond says to her:_

_"Let's play a game; I'll give you ten to one odds. For every question I ask you that you get wrong you give me five dollars and for every question that you ask me that I get wrong, I'll give you fifty dollars."_

_The blonde nods in agreement and they start playing. The businessman asks first,_

_"What is the capital of Russia?" Not knowing the answer, the blonde immediately hand him 5 dollars. The business man smiles and waits for the Blonde's question. _

_The blond then asks the Man- "What is black, white, and blue and jumps up and down several times?"_

_Puzzled, the man thinks the for a minute and cant figure out the answer, he hands her 50 dollars. _

_"So what was the answer to the question?" He asks…_

**REVIEW- READ-REVIEW-CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM-REVIEW-EAT CHOCOLATE-REVIEW-BANANAS-REVIEW-WHO LIKES CHEESE!-REVIEW- **

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	4. From Tatoos to Evil Vegies Plus Epilouge

**Readers,**

This is the final version, for your benifit. A lot of the stuff is the same, as I thought the end of the story was better than the begining. I've mainly fixed up the grammar, put in a few extra tibits and just generally made it better. Review if you liked it, or even if you didnt, although no flames! Constructive criticsm only!

**Dont forget to read my other story, _20 bucks in 20 seconds_. It so much better than this!**

Love to all.

**Chapter 6: Capitolo Sei**

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To La Tua Cantani THERE YOUR NAME! HAPPY NOW KAZZA? :D U better put my name in ur story. Pushy Little... (fades into grumbles)

**BIG thanks to VirgIsMyBird** **for the name idea. SEE I GIVE PROPS TO THOSE WHO GIVE ME NAMES!**

Michael your mortal twihater enemy wakes up, looks out the window and groans.

He has a giant headache. And why wouldn't he? After what you put him through! He sits up and struggles to remember what has happened, why he feels so rotten.

You see the strain thinking has on him and laugh. Surely it isn't that hard to remember? Maybe you drugged him _too_ well…

Michael shrugs and gives up getting out of bed and walks into the bathroom. You wait for it… and wait… and-

"ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! My FACE what _have_ YOU **done** to _my_ FACE!!"!

"At least it's an improvement!" You mutter to yourself. "Something for people to look at other than your hideous noggin!" But, you do feel remotely sorry for Michael, it cost millions to have a tattoo removed. And that's one big tattoo! But that's the price for saying Twilight stinks.

Because it doesn't.

Full stop.

End of sentence.

And besides, who wouldn't want "I LOVE TWILGHT" tattooed onto their face!

6. Drug Twihater and tattoo "I LOVE TWILIGHT" on their forehead/ face/ back of head/ chest/ buttocks etc.

**Another chapter done, another chapter closer to the end… sob… (**_:)_**)**

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**Chapter 7: Capitolo Sette**

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**DISCLAIMER **Roses are red, Violets could be green, I don't own Twilight, And that is _so_ MEAN!

**For this chapters' character name, I would like to thank Sk8rChick2355 and also to congratulate her on her on her wedding! It will be taking place at the Cullen house and I'm sure you're all invited! **_(Private joke, sorry!)_

**Happy Reading… **

_WARNING: This chapter contains EXTREME randomness and excessive imagination- if either of these will bother you- well… look out!_

PUNSISHMENT SEVEN: Gag the person with Robert Pattison's shaved off hair. (There's a LOT of it.)

You're in English, staring at the clock, waiting patiently for the minutes hand to move around just that little bit extra. Any English class has ceased to mean much to you anymore, unless it's Twilight related, and this class now appeals even less to you since today Kyle the twihater is sitting in on the lesson.

But this fact doesn't matter anymore- because his revenge will be soon, during this lesson in fact.

Or even now?

There is gasping, swoons and screams as Robert Pattison enters the English room. Most of the girls are shocked, and somewhat relieved to see that he has had a haircut, in what seems to be the first time in his life.

Kneeling before you, he hands you his shaved off hair.

All three metres of it.

You thank him for it and stand, taking advantage of your teachers shocked silence say:-

"Today marks the punishment of a disgusting twilight hater, one who should be punished for all eternity a million times over. Kyle. His treachery in the face of twilight is revolting and it makes me want to puke. Today will be PUNISHED!"

You yell the last word, leaping for Kyle, pinning him to the desk and stuffing the giant poof of hair into his mouth. With a few last seconds of struggle he gives in, his face slowly turning from pink.

To orange

To red

To green

And finally to blue

You remove the hair from his mouth, satisfied that he has suffered enough for the time being. You don't want a murder on your hands- imagine the paperwork!

You turn on your heel, away from the very confused and mildly approving stares of your classmates and elegantly stride out the door.

English had never really been your best subject, so no one will mind if you skip a few classes until this thing blows over _or_ if you get an F this term.

Will they?

**Sorry, that was a teensy bit random. **

**The next punishment will be more normal, in fact, some of you may even be able to do this one for real! It isn't illegal, is fun and easy to do and involves no fictional characters (even though I REALLY do love fictional characters sigh…Edward…sigh)!**

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**Chapter 8: Capitolo Otto**

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**DISCLAIMER: If I were Stephenie Meyer, don't you think I would have more time to update now that I've put midnight sun on hold!? (SOB! Why do you make me do this?)**

**Without further ado… I give you… Evil… WHAT?**

PUNISHMENT EIGHT: Dress random pieces of fruit up like mini vampires and distribute them in the person who dislikes twilight's locker, bag, car, home, etc.

You watch silently from the corner of a room as the evil twihater Spencer **_(thanks to Hikaru Hiitachin for all the awesome names!) _**walks down the hall toward his locker, head down, eyes averted from the people in front of him.

He pulls open his locker to get books for the next period squeals like a girl, in shock. Pale as a vampire, he jumps back, slams his locker and runs off.

You giggle, faze one complete.

You follow him stealthily to his class, which you are unfortunately in. You slide smoothly into your seat and wait for the last hour to begin.

Five minutes before the end of school, after your teacher has finally finished lecturing you on the five properties of prunes (during which you had been reading Twilight/New Moon/Eclipse/Breaking Dawn/The Host) she asks you to get out a pen and answer a few questions. You grin and look over at Spencer waiting for his reaction to your plan.

It's just as good as you imagined. He plunges his hand into his pencil case, looking for a pen. However, he sees something though before he can get one, stands up shrieks and runs out of the classroom with his pencil case in hand. The entire class laughs and chats about what in the world could have happened.

You're the only one that knows.

Phase two, Complete.

The bell rings and you walk out of class, glad that your plan is almost complete.

You watch as Spencer retrieves his bag from the hook and opens it tentatively to check to see if something is in there, he tenses up, waiting… to find nothing but an empty bag, he laughs, obviously it was his imagination running wild. He reaches down in his bag to put his books away and make sure everything is packed and stops. At his fingers brush against a corner that's not visible when looking into the bag.

He feels something furry...

Something cold...

Something wrong.

He pulls his hand and the object out quickly, his eyes wide. His whole body is shaking and he looks as though he's going to explode- He drops the object he is holding.

Screaming, he runs off down the hallway into the fading Twilight **_(get it, Twilight?)_**. On the floor is a small piece of fruit, with stuck on bulgy eyes, a carved in nose and a tuft of hair on top of his head. But That's not all. It also happens to be dressed as a vampire, Edward Cullen to be exact. The one this Spencer hates more than anything in the world.

Phase Three Complete,

Mission: Priceless!

**Funny Eh? I liked it and you _can _do it to people, especially siblings! But dont tell your mothers that it was me who told you what to do! I dont want angry comlaint letters from anyone!**

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**Chapter 9: Capitolo Nove**

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**Punishment 9**

**Disclaimer: **

Court Judge: "I find you guilty of impersonation of Stephanie Meyer! You will be now fined 1million cyber dollars and will have to give Ms Meyer an apology!"

Me: "NO! I am her, please; don't make me, NO! (Breaks down into uncontrollable sobs)!"

PUNISHEMTN NINE: Stick glowing red/golden yellow eyes on Twilight Haters walls so it looks like vampires are watching them.

You watch through the binoculars from your front living room as Chelsea **(thanks to VirgIsMyBird for the name!)** the Twihater walks in from a tough day at school.

Normally it stinks living next to a twihater, but today you'll make an exception, because this means you get to see your latest plan in action.

You watch as Chelsea dumps her bag on the floor and starts talking to her mother. You sigh impatiently, why does all this evil plan stuff always have so much waiting involved?

Finally, after a nice long chat to her mother, you watch as she approaches the stairs.

This should be exciting, Chelsea screams like a little girl when she's scared, so you wait and watch as she climbs the stairs and heads slowly toward her ro-

"Love?" Your mum calls up the stairs, making you jump up so fast you drop your binoculars. "What are you doing?"

"Homework mum!" You reply hurriedly picking up the fallen binoculars and settling back into your original position. This is why you never do your dirty work at home.

Your poor mother, what would she think if she found out about your evil scheming ways? Thankfully you haven't missed much; it appears that Chelsea has gone to the upstairs bathroom in your absence. You watch as she come out of the bathroom and walks toward her bedroom. She puts her hand on the handle of her bedroom door, twisting the lock.

Prepare for chaos!

Just as you thought, she screams, letting out a sound similar to that of a strangled cat, and runs out of her room and down the stairs.

Through her door you can see lots of pictures stuck up on the wall, as if wallpapered on by a fiendishly clever Twilight lover.

Red eyes, stuck on everywhere, and lots of them.

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**Chapter 10: Capitolo Dieci**

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**Disclaimer: I'm Here, I'm Weird and I'm not Stephenie Meyer!**

**PUNISHMENT TEN:** Acquire a family of vegetarian vampires that will eat anyone who opposes the greatness of Twilight.

Emmet suppresses a large burp- and fails miserably. Edward sighs, wishing that there was more to that little scrawny Asian boy. The entire Cullen family turns to you, waiting to hear what you have to say for yourself.

"Thank you guys, for granting me that favour- I know that it's not easy for you to eat humans, especially Twihaters!" You smile sweetly.

"Actually…" says Alice

"On the contrary" continues Esme

"Mhm," says Bella "-in fact, I loved every minute of it!"

You look confused at the family of vampires, not quite understanding what they mean.

"Yes that is quite odd, but I suppose, we didn't really get much of a taste…" Says Rosalie, fixing her hair and makeup in a mirror before turning to look at you.

In fact, they ALL look at you as though something is wrong…

"Maybe once more"

"wha- NO!" You scream backing terrified into the wall. But even with their super hearing, your pleas fall on deaf ears. Nothing can stop the on coming assault of ferociously hungry vampires.

You are sucked completely dry…

"Hmm, tasty!" Says Carlisle "Unfortunately though, I think- because of our souls- we should stick to animals… and that does not other peoples pets Emmett!"

They sigh and turn away, all knowing he is right. They turn and gracefully walk off into the distance.

Perhaps it's better to get your revenge in a simpler way. Maybe just agreeing to disagree? It doesn't really matter, because now, thanks to the venom of the Cullen's, you have an eternity to ponder this… Oh well!

**Please note as a WARNING:** Do not stand close while this is happening, as you may find that you do not live to tell the tale…

**The End!**

**Sot there you have it. **

This series is over.

**Done.**

Finite.

**Filanmente**

I hope you enjoyed all the punishments, although they were all little far fetched!

**Please Review (for the last time)**

and turn the page to the **_EPILOGUE_**, it's IMPORTANT!

**Thanks Guys.**

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**Chapter 12: Epilogue**

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DISCLAIMER:

**Me:** It's my last chapter, so today, I"M STEPHANIE MYER!  
**Random:** You know you can totally be that chick, 'cause that's not how you spell the REAL AUTHOR Stephenie Meyer's name.  
**Me:** DAMMIT!

**FINAL CHAPTER ALERT!**

_Hey guys, this is just a little epilogue in which I will thank friends and announce the results of my poll._

Firstly, the results of the poll…

Which male member of the Cullen family do you like best?

**First:** _Edward_ (with 17 votes, 44%)  
**Second:** _Jasper_ (With 10 votes, and 26%)  
**Third:** _Emmett_ (With 8 votes and 21%)  
**Fourth:** _Carlisle_ (With ONLY 3 votes and 7%)

I can't say I'm surprised that Edward came first (He's my Favourite if your wondering), although I didn't think that Jasper would be second. Thanks all for voting!

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**A huge thankyou to all you girls and guys who have helped me so much, Your efforts have helped this story blossom from some silly girls piddly idea, to a fairly good story with a (sort of) plotline and a whole lot of fun/random stuff! So I dedicate this story to YOU! **

…**My people in "The 10 Punishments Gang!" (In no particular order)**

**KellinW- **For being totally faithful and telling me the truth, even about how terrible my story was! She helped HEAPS!

**nevermindviii- **for being faithful, and telling me when (and if) the story was weird!

**Pandora de Pointe du Lac- **For being there from the beginning, your help and criticism was also much appreciated!

**Laalaa1123- **for giving me ideas and names whenever I needed them! And for helping inspire me with the 3rd chapter

**Hikaru Hiitachin- **for the awesomely nice and inspiring reviews and for never leaving me short of names, just look at the gigantic list she wrote for me!

**VirgIsMyBird- **For her constant support and love of all things random.

**weatherwitch.X.x.X.- **For reviewing every chapter that was typed, IN ONE NIGHT! You really made me think my story was actually good.

**Kella-Cullen- **For loving the story and ALWAYS giving great reviews.

**sweet-as-sammy- **For being just that, totally SWEET! And for putting me as her first ever favourite author and story, that was heaps nice of you!

**Sk8rChick2355- **For laughing at all my jokes, no matter how silly, and for being a most faithful reviewer!

**Reviewer P- **Who reviewed Every single chapter that was posted, even without a FanFic account

**The Wicked Mistress- **For giving me the best and most constructive criticism I've ever had, even though she had no account either, she is AMAZING!

**Bookangel812- **for reading, reviewing and liking my fanfiction even though she was almost out of her "twilight phase" because of breaking dawn, and I agree with her that the book could have been better…

**Ballet kitty- **for her awesome punishment idea, it was SO much better than the one I had planned!

**k 4 kookiemonsta- **for reviewing and PM-ing BOTH of my ENTIRE stories, ALL IN ONE NIGHT! Absolutely AWESOME!

**La tua Cantanti- **For making me write and put her name on the top of chapter number 6, Luvs to _pushy_ **little** Kaza!

**And finally to…**

**The Cullenator- **for giving me my first ever review! I remember being SO excited…

**Not forgetting to mention a few others, who each helped me in little ways!**

_Soz, that was heaps long!_

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**So this is the end of my story. Until Next time,**

**Au revoir, Arriverderci, Ciao, C ya and Luvs !**

**Yours Always,**

**FuzzyWuzzyWithBadHaircut, (aka Mikii!) **

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**NEW A/N:** And that's just the rewritten version! I've shortened it down a little, and taken out the preview of my new story (As I've changed a few things since I posted this).

Hope you liked it.

Please review!

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